stand up set rough draft

Hi there! So nice you could come out today. First things first, I need to tell you a couple of things.  When I practiced this people told me I need to not talk so fast. Well, that's not just the jitters, it's the mania talking! If you aren't inclined to throw beer bottles at me, you could throw some gift bags of Xanax onstage. Also, I have a pretty significant hearing loss, so if you try to heckle me, you probably won't get the reaction you are looking for, as I most likely won't have a clue what you're saying.

When you come to a talent show thrown by a mental health organization, you can expect to hear about health care. So I've got some things to share with you.

When I lived in Eugene, in the late 80s, I was watching tv with a friend at 3AM. Usually all the ads that late at night were PSAs about how to kick your cocaine habit. But then this gem aired. A small girl, in soft focus, twirling around in her tutu. The voiceover talked about how she had half her brain removed, and now she is doing just fine. The kicker? When the voiceover said "McKenzie Willamette Hospital. We do good things, and we have half a mind to tell you so."

You have to wonder if they got that girl's permission to tell her story. Nowadays, if your doctor doesn't keep your health information private, they are a HIPPA-crite.

Yeah, healthcare can be tricky. A couple weeks ago I was having a hard time staying awake, and the CDC website said that was a COVID symptom that needs immediate attention. So I called 911 and the paramedics  came and took my vital signs. Which were fine. The next day I talked to my primary care doctor's office,  and the nurse told me, I swear this is true, she said "If you can't wake up, call 911." I might have some trouble doing that! I have some special talents, that is not one of them!

But back to the paramedics......They asked about what diagnoses I had. Their take on things? That sometimes you just don't feel good, and I should watch What About Bob. It's a movie about a patient who tracks down his therapist when he is on vacation. Thing is, I've never had an ACTUAL THERAPIST suggest this movie! I think they don't want to give me ideas! But I haven't always had good boundaries. When I was younger I wanted to marry an inpatient psychiatrist. Because those people really know how to commit.

So, yeah, I have a mental health diagnosis and I take meds for it. Psych meds can have some unpleasant side effects. I haven't pooped for a week! I guess you could say I have some stuff I need to work out.

They say that mental illness and creativity go hand in hand. Sylvia Plath had a mental illness. So did Kurt Cobain. I don't write poems or songs, but I have been extreme ironing. For those who don't know, it's when you take an iron and an ironing board and take pics in unusual and/or dangerous places. Like while scuba diving or mountain climbing.

A little bit about my history of extreme ironing. And just so you know, this is only the second talent show I've ever been in. About 10 years ago, I was at an all women retreat at Breitenbush, which is off the grid and doesn't support extraneous electrical usage. No phone charging, no hair dryers. I didn't know in advance that there was going to be a talent show. When I found out, I asked around to the staff to find out if there was an iron at the compound.  They found me an iron, and a table to iron on, and I did my ironing in front of the audience to the tune of "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me." Culture Club. I was ad libbing the whole performance, as that was something i had never done before. I found that I had to get creative to fill up the whole 4 minutes of the song. So I left the stage and went into the crowd, rubbing my iron all over the women in the audience. I only had 2 CDs in my car to choose from, and if I had to do it again I would choose the Beastie Boys,"Hey Ladies". Ammm I right?? Nobody talked to me before the talent show, but EVERYBODY talked to me after. If you want to make friends, that's one way!

But my favorite extreme ironing moment happened in 2005, when I went with a friend to the Astor Column, which is a tower in Astoria with steep winding stairs leading up to a viewing platform. I climbed the stairs, while my friend stayed on the ground to take pics. When I got to the top, I was having a hard time unfolding the ironing board. Who shows up, but a Park Ranger. He yells at me to "stop what you're doing!" and "get down now!" My friend decided to go over and tell him we were extreme ironing, and it was all good. He wasn't having it. He told her, "There's no ironing here. We're strictly wash and wear."

You've been a great audience. Tip your waitress!